This Is What My Week Felt Like.

The Squirrel Catapult III - Watch more free videos

What this video doesn't show is the squirrel running back up on the deck and clamping down on his captors' balls. Just remember which squirrel you're playing with, MG.

Smart. If by smart you mean stupid.

Cocaine the beverage is an energy drink that recently had its ass handed to it by big daddy FDA. I'm mixed on this. Obviously, Redux Beverages, the makers of the energy drink, were trying hard to push the envelope and differentiate themselves from their competitors. The drink also claimed to reduce cholesterol because it contained an agent called Inositol. (This agent is also used to cut cocaine the drug. But so is jell-o, baking soda, and cement). Other than that, it's just your garden variety energy drink with a sexy, dangerous name. Is it tastless? Probably, yes. Is that a reason for the FDA to stick its yap in? No, no, no. The market would have regulated this particular offense. 7-11 refused to sell the beverage, as did several other national chains. These guys would have been forced to pack it in pretty damn quickly even without the government interference. Maybe the FDA should spend more time making sure our perscription drugs aren't giving us heart attacks, and less time eradicating upstart punks who would have bit the dust anyway. Btw, if you still want to score some cocaine, these guys might be able to hook you up ;-).

Say It Ain't So...

Just when I try to hold up the squirrel as an admirable creature, some lone agitator has to go screw it up for the rest of 'em.

Squirrel Goes on Rampage, Injures Three (Reuters via Drudge Report)

Oh well. At least there are still some squirrels worth admiring.

Orbitz Formula?

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a link to an ambitious young Purdue chemisty student's breakdown of the Orbitz formula. What do I think of the blueprint? Pretty close. Eerily close. Not exactly on the nose, but bravo! The thing that really suprised and impressed me though, was that this person understood the importance of "gellan gum". Per the student: "This polysaccharide forms a fragile, net-like matrix that lightly holds the bits of xantham gum in place, aiding in the gravity defiance witnessed". Precisely. Initially, I was able to suspend the xantham gum bits for days, even weeks on end, but I had a devil of a time preventing the eventual settling that would take place. Gellan gum was indeed the solution to this problem, so much so that if you were to find a bottle of the drink today (Ebay anyone? ;-)), everything would still be in place. That may not sound like much of an achievement to you, but it is something that gives me chills, and inspires me to keep moving forward. Thanks anonymous Purdue student, you made my day.

Soda Police

Hands up motha-f-ers, you busted. This is beyond disgusting, it's supernastylicious. When was the last time you were parched, and hankering for some ice cold liquid bubble-yum to slake your thirst? Never? Huh. Well, that makes millions of us. This is the kind of gimmicky nonsense that gives this soda cop an itchy trigger finger. The thing about gum, especially bubble-gum, is that it is an inferior taste experience. A huge blast of flavor, then less flavor, then nothing, like you're chewing on an old rubber. There's nothing here to suprise us, no interesting subtle notes to keep us coming back for more, just plain old taste-noise, like a monkey banging on a piano. Well taste metal, monkey, this cop is filling you full of lead. It won't suprise those in the know to hear that this monstrosity is being foisted upon us by the Elizabeth Beverage Co., the bastards who also perpetrated Jolly Rancher Soda. What you may not know, however, is that dear old Elizabeth Beverage Co. is owned in part by the Gambino family. Mobsters and shitty soda, a match made in Greeze-Ball heaven.

Soda Police: Knock, Knock.

Gambino Family: Whose'a there'a?

Soda Police: Soda police, Greeze-Balls.

Gambino Family: What'a seems to'a be the problem'a officers?

Soda Police: This candy flavored vomit in my mouth, for beginners. Take the pasta off simmer, and shave that moustache off of your mom. We're taking you downtown, Giuseppe.

Gambino Family: You can't talk'a to me like'a that!

Soda Police: I just did, Giapetto. Once upon a time in America, soda didn't taste like the candy fairy peed in your mouth! ;-)

Wha...?

Huh... um. Yes. Yes, I think so, yes. This is hard for me to say, but... (oh god)... good job Pepsi Japan. You've got something new to say, instead of just being the WalMart of soft-drinks. Pepsi and Coke. Coke and Pepsi. Vanilla Coke and Pepsi. Oooh. Coke and Pepsi with lime. Ohhh. Lame. Safe. But here is something truly complicated and aggressive. Crystal Cucumber Pepsi. I assume that the crystal means some sort of a mint effect (no doubt produced artificially. You don't get a total pass, bastards! ;-))

I have yet to taste it, I have a post on Craig's List trying to get my hands on it. Any of you reading in Japan? I'll make it worth your while. The average consumer is going to say "Ewww, gross!", just like they did with the last scene of the Sopranos (Awsome, Mr. Chase. I think Tony just woke up from a dream. The whole thing was a dream. That's what I got from that. Anyway, well done!), but the rest of us are going to welcome the challange to our pallates. Okay, so...Good Job PepsiCo (Japan). I have to go wash my mouth out with soap, now.

Fighting for the Small Guy

Being in the beverage industry is a lot like getting involved in American politics -- corporate products tend to outspend and ultimately crush the little guys. Look at this announcement, in which PepsiCo has announced it's buying an 80% stake in a Ukraine-based juice company along with the stake it already owns in Glaceau, thtat Vitamin Water company.

It's enough to make a guy like me want to pack it in. Look, I don't belong to pretty much the only other group that offer an alternative to this sad state of affairs (i.e. independently wealthy people, some of whom are well intentioned but most of whom are total assholes), but I've got to believe I can make a difference. And I really do.

That's why I'm going to stand beside others who are fighting for the real guy. Today I'd like to announce that we're submitting Squizz for consideration as the official drink of the "Barack in '08" campaign. We should hear back in a few days, but in the meantime, you can help us out by showing your support for Squizz and writing to Mr. Obama's campaign here.

And don't forget to register to vote!

Blogging is Tough!

Hello Squizzies. I just wanted to drop in to apologize for my absence from the blog these last few days. I feel like I've been in a 72-hour meeting this last week, running from meetings with distributors to sit-downs with bottlers to god knows what else.

I promise I'll try to be more diligent in my blogging, but I'm probably not going to be able to come up for air for a little while longer. Aw, who am I kidding? Let me see what I can do. Okay?

Some Squizz History

Notice anything missing from this picture? If you said "testicles" you'd be correct, but only half-correct, because I'm talking about yours truly. That's right, me--Ronald Turlington. I'm not in this photo because I got squeezed (or, rather, squizzed) out.

Allow me to introduce the yagbos who basically ruined my life: moving clockwise, that's Gary Pensmith, flanked by his spineless underling/ turdherder Len Karolis. These are the guys who got famous for "inventing" Orbitz soda in 1996.

Oh wait, though, correction, these are TWO of the guys who invented Orbitz soda. I say that because I was the third. Actually, Len and Gary, Orbitz was completely my idea. Here's what happened:

I discovered the drink that would ultimately become Orbitz as part of my senior chemistry thesis project as an undergrad in 1985 at Kent State. But when I brought the idea to these schmucks to help me market the drink in 1994 they stole my formula and sold it to Clearly Canadian. I went after them in court, but they claimed they had bought the recipe from a noodle shop owner in southeast asia in the 80's and even dressed up a chinaman to testify in their favor. In the one photo I have from that project you can't really see the characteristic Orbitz support matrix, Len pretended to cry during the trial and the case was presided over by a Canadian magistrate, so I'll let you do the math. They claimed they had spent their whole fortunes developing the perfect formula but uh, nope, sorry Len and Gary, it was actually me who did that. My advice is don't trust anyone. I would have been a millionaire by now, like Len or Gary.

See, my original concept was to call it Snowballz--it would have had little tapioca snowflakes floating in blue liquid, and a cute penguin or something on the bottle. I love Squizz and everything this company stands for, but to be honest I've never been able to replicate an idea that original or that innovative. I'd like to think that had I been in charge, Snowballz would already be a classic favorite, even more so than Orbitz.

Anyway don't get your hopes up--you won't be seeing a similar product from Squizz anytime soon. Part of the settlement against me was that I can't pursue developing a tapioca-based gellan gum drink for the next 50 years. So Len or Gary, if you're reading this....Squizz off!

Soda Commendation

Yes. Okay? Just, yes. Materva Yerba Mate Soda, this is a Cuban favorite. Delicious! It tastes like a sparkling tea soda with a cream finish. This is the whole package. Complex, unique, full, I even love the packaging. Personally, I have some problems doing business with Cuba (*cough*brinkofnuclearannihilation*cough*) ;-), but this is a soda worth breaking the embargo for. Nice job, comrades. Maybe some day we'll have one on your native turf, but until Castro bites it, I guess I'll just order mine online.