Just When They Thought I Was Out...

Hello there, True Believers. It's been one hell of a month.

Not to get all biblical on you or anything, but after this month, I feel a little bit like Jesus. Like I've clawed my way back from the dead. Like Harry Potter, some might say. (Oops, spoilers.)

First I saw my funding pulled. Then my distributors bailed on me. Then I had some yahoo steal my identity, racking up more than $20,000 in credit card bills and new cell phone accounts with Sprint (whose customer service reps are about as enjoyable to deal with as a proctologist) Like I needed anything else, on top of everything, my father died of a coronary.

So July sucked. Big. Time.

But we're in August. And I have something very special to announce. In spite of hell month, Squizz, Inc. has a new round of financing. With some credible investors, who I'll reveal as soon as all of the paperwork is completely squared away. I'm back in business. Don't turn your back on the black squirrel.

One of These Men Is a Total Fucking Ass.

Take a look at these men. They are both incredibly wealthy. They are both members of the corporate elite. Are they both arrogant? Probably. Are they both silly little pee-bags who are in love with themselves and their hopelessly outdated frostylocks haircut? No, only one of them is. The other is actually doing something with his life. He has single handedly brought New York City back into the black after the hardest decade of its existence. He charges the city a dollar a year as a salary, and has declared war on the cigarette industry. He is the most exciting political force around today. He is Michael Bloomberg, a billionaire who actually contributes to the world, not just his glamrock hairstylist.

While Sir Dicky Bunbun awards the X-Prize to the person who can create the most innovative blond highlights, Bloomberg is fixing the school system. He is ramping up city-wide recycling, and launching work on the 2nd Avenue subway. He is waiting, silently, patiently, to sweep America off of its feet as the most terrifyingly competent and powerful independent candidate in modern American history. Look at this man, Sir Dick (bag), and take notes. This is what people with enormous potential look like. They have regular hair, you know, like the little people. They wear understated blue suits. And they actually do something to make this world a better place.

If you haven't realized it, I am wholeheartedly endorsing Bloomberg as our next president. If anyone from his office reads this blog, I am at your service, anytime, free of charge. BLOOMBERG '08, Y'ALL!

Honesty. The Best (And Most Painful) Policy.

Okay guys. Many of you may have noticed that I've been absent for a while. The last few weeks have been a cluster-f*** of enormous proportions. My "investment team" (lol) has decided to throw in the towel on yours truly, and meaning that the future of Squizz looks very much in doubt. This means there is a factory in South Korea that has an order for quite a large number of Squizz containers, but no product. This means that my credit cards, along with my patience, are stretched to the breaking point.

This means the end.

Except it doesn't. See, because I'm pissed. And I'm focused. And I have a GREAT PRODUCT. Squirrels become more dangerous when wounded, and this squirrel's not taking anymore BS. Squizz isn't going anywhere, not until we've traveled down the throats of America. So, Lincolnshire Investments, you're out? So be it, your loss. I am a man not to be counted out, I've survived alcoholism, two divorces, corporate intruigue, innumerable personal setbacks, and I'm still standing. That's right, I'm still here.

So with a renewed vigor, I declare that Squizz will launch late '07, early '08. Because I will it to. Thanks for your continued support Squizzies!

Any Good Web Designers Out There?

I've been a bad blogger recently. I've been travelling so much and trying to pull this business together that it's been hard to muster up the energy to get on here and share things with you guys. It might help if you'd comment a little more! Ah, just kidding around with you. (Sort of... I would love to see some comments!)

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on the "real" Squizz Web site, until those jerkoff Web developers over at... ah well, I shouldn't even name them... screwed a lot of stuff up. Why give them any exposure after such a shoddy job.

But that's why I'm writing. I need a real Web team to help put together Squizz's online home. Why not use the Internet itself to find that person? Look, it'll be a paying job, you'll get to work on what'll be one of the most unique web destinations in the beverage industry (trust me, I have some far out ideas) and you might even get shares in the ownership of our fine beverage.

At the very least, you'll get a few free samples! So what do you say? Respond to this post or e-mail me at the link on the right and let's talk!

Any Good Web

This Is What My Week Felt Like.

The Squirrel Catapult III - Watch more free videos

What this video doesn't show is the squirrel running back up on the deck and clamping down on his captors' balls. Just remember which squirrel you're playing with, MG.

Smart. If by smart you mean stupid.

Cocaine the beverage is an energy drink that recently had its ass handed to it by big daddy FDA. I'm mixed on this. Obviously, Redux Beverages, the makers of the energy drink, were trying hard to push the envelope and differentiate themselves from their competitors. The drink also claimed to reduce cholesterol because it contained an agent called Inositol. (This agent is also used to cut cocaine the drug. But so is jell-o, baking soda, and cement). Other than that, it's just your garden variety energy drink with a sexy, dangerous name. Is it tastless? Probably, yes. Is that a reason for the FDA to stick its yap in? No, no, no. The market would have regulated this particular offense. 7-11 refused to sell the beverage, as did several other national chains. These guys would have been forced to pack it in pretty damn quickly even without the government interference. Maybe the FDA should spend more time making sure our perscription drugs aren't giving us heart attacks, and less time eradicating upstart punks who would have bit the dust anyway. Btw, if you still want to score some cocaine, these guys might be able to hook you up ;-).