Soda-ikus

While there's not a lot of free time in my line of work, occasionally I get a chance to pursue my other love, which is writing poetry. Here are a few of my latest gems. Let me know what you think in the comments section!

On a clearest day
My taste buds drip dark disgust
Crystal Pepsi blows!

Oh say I can see
Through amber waves of Filberts,
Cane-sugared Moxie.

A boy of fourteen
Knows nothing of the future
So says his teacher

New Idea! A good one? Hmmm...

Here's an idea that's kind of cute, but I have some reservations about it. How many times have you asked someone what they want to drink and the response comes back "Anything" or "Whatever"? Well, "Out of the Box", a very literal-minded Singapore beverage company, has decided to take these non-committal consumers at their word. The thing is, Anything and Whatever comes in many different flavors, but you never know which one you're going to get because the can doesn't say.

This is a very clever, catchy idea, but I have to say it makes me nervous. I'm calling B.S. on this one guys. Do we really need to contribute to the dumbing down of consumer culture, especially in an industry that is just starting to find some new vigor? We should be educating the public, not catering to their stupidity. If I went to the movies and just said, "Gimme a ticket to anything", I'd probably find myself sitting in some Reese Witherspoon comedy and pissed. Let's think before we put something out there guys, we've all got to work in this industry, and its an uphill battle. It took years to convince consumers to consider a non-corn syrup beverage, like the wonderful Boylan's brand. Do we really want to lower the discourse? What do you guys think?

In Defense of Ms. Lohan

It's a slow day here, so I thought I'd chime in one more time. Just wanted to send my heartfelt concern and support to Lindsay Lohan. She's obviously having a hard time, but for god's sake how old is she, 20? I couldn't get my lips off of my bong when I was 20, and here she is, an international movie star. And she's a pretty good actor, too. I'm not going to link this to beverages by saying that it's a shame kids can get beer, and all of that. Oops, just said it ;-). I was a kid once, and I was certainly no angel (ask my ex-wife), and I know that she'll grow out of this. I did. And by the way Lindsay, if you every see this, I'm 190 days without a drink, and it can work. You're going to be alright, just pull it together before it's too late. I'm rooting for you. And to everyone wanting to see this girl destroy herself, take a good long look in the mirror and tell me what you see. I'm talking to you, Defamer.

Soda Police

I know this is old news, but I've wanted to vent my spleen about it publicly for a while. In 1999, "Sir" Richard Branson unleashed "Virgin Cola", his answer to Pepsi and Coke, in the US. Riding into Times Square in a tank (I'm serious), Branson declared war on the two beverage giants. This was tantamount to bringing a knife to a gun-fight, as Virgin Cola tasted marginally better than goat urine. Beaten back across the pond, Sir Limey Entreprenuer tried to stage a comeback in 2004. If you go to your local store, and ask for a Virgin Cola, you'll know how well that went. People like Branson have about as much business in the soda world as a monkey does making omlettes. Bill Gates didn't release Microsoft Cola (Microla?) and I have yet to see a can of Warren Buffett Ginger Ale, because these billionaires are not MORONS. Soda production is an art, not a hobby for the wealthy and bored. Not only was Branson's Cola a lightweight in taste and effervesence, it allegedly gave several people intense headaches and diaharrea. Awesome, jerk-off.

Soda Police: Knock, Knock.

Sir Dicky: Who's there?

Soda Police: Soda Police, Dicky. You're busted.

Sir Dicky: I say! Isn't there some kind of fine I can pay?

Soda Police: 'Fraid not, Boyo. Punishment for a soda this crappy is death. By hanging.

Sir Dicky: Peoples don't likes me soda?

Soda Police: Nope. You just won the X-Prize for unparalleled idiocy, creep. ;-)

Why the Black Squirrel?

It's a question I'm often asked: "What's the deal with that black squirrel that's all over your Squizz cans and marketing materials?"

It's a very good question, and one that I wish had an equally good answer for.

I've kicked the question over in my head for some time now and, as much as I hate to demystify things, the truth is there really isn't any one real reason. Maybe it has something to do with my book-learning years spent out at Kent State (Go Flashes!), where I'd spend afternoons lounging on the Esplanade, watching those magnificent creatures (not to mention the occasional co-ed) bound around beneath the trees.

Maybe it's because no one really knows where the black squirrel came from, at least not for sure. I like the mystery of it.

Or maybe it's just because the black squirrel is a rare specimen, an energetic, spriteful little fella that never seems to lose his mojo. Kind of like what happens when you drink Squizz, come to think of it. (Shameless, I know!)

Whatever the case, it's definitely not because of this! Yuck. Oh well. Even when they're bad, black squirrels always seem to leave an impression.

And that's why we're proud to have the black squirrel adorn our brand!

My nephew and I threw this together on photoshop as a mock advertisment. It's amazing what you can do with in a couple of hours. I don't think we'll be using this ;), but Max (my nephew) wanted me to put it on the blog, so here it is. I hadn't thought about it until he asked, but as we're in the pre-launch stage here, and haven't settled on a design, feel free to send in your thoughts. If I like what I see, I'll post it. Can't be much worse than this. Just keep 'em clean, and remember to incorporate the black squirrel!

Squizz Lives!

Hi there! I'm Ron Turlington, CEO and president of what we humbly think is the greatest soft drink around: Squizz. If this is the first time you've heard of Squizz, don't worry, you're not alone. But we're glad you're here!

You see, we're on the verge of unveiling a new beverage that will, without a doubt, revolutionize the way Americans think about soft drinks, and this blog is our first step into a much larger world. We're excited to begin the conversation with you!

But let me tell you a little bit about myself and my company. I'm what most people might call a soft drink obsessive. (Talk about an understatement!)

Years ago, when I was just a kid growing up in Southern Indiana (more years than I care to admit ;-)), my parents exposed me to more sodas, root beers, egg creams, seltzers and other tasty beverages than perhaps any kid legally should. And it was great. From the Moxies to the Faygos to even the Shastas, I collected every can and bottle I could get my hands on. Still do.

Times have changed and so did I, at least a little. while I still love and appreciate the history of soda, the metabolism isn't what it used to be so I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle, which has curbed my drinking habit a bit. (Basically just means I don't drink the crap stuff anymore!) I got more into all-natural drinks, the lower the sugar and purer the ingredients the better. Ah, who am I kidding, I'll still have my fair share.

As an onta-pa-noor, I've been fortunate enough to travel around the world, meeting lots of interesting people and, more importantly, tasting thousands of interesting beverages.

I found one that absolutely blew my mind just a few months ago. I was somewhere in Southeast Asia (I'd tell you but i'd have to kill you... ha ha) when I had my first taste of what I now call Squizz. I couldn't believe the taste.

A balance of lemon and ginger, with earthy undertones. It wasn't sticky sweet like Coca-Cola or 7UP, but softer and much more refreshing. Texturally a lot like a smoothie but but flavorful in a whole different way. Incredible. It was such an amazing find that I tracked down the makers of this unique drink. It took quite some time, the details of which I'll save for a later post. In the meantime, my Southeast Asian friends and I are about to blow the doors off of the beverage industry:

SQUIZZ LIVES!

Our official launch is later this summer, but I'll be updating this blog (I feel so hi-tech!) many times a week detailing our return to your local supermarkets and vending machines.

Until then, look to the Black Squirrel!