Just When They Thought I Was Out...

Hello there, True Believers. It's been one hell of a month.

Not to get all biblical on you or anything, but after this month, I feel a little bit like Jesus. Like I've clawed my way back from the dead. Like Harry Potter, some might say. (Oops, spoilers.)

First I saw my funding pulled. Then my distributors bailed on me. Then I had some yahoo steal my identity, racking up more than $20,000 in credit card bills and new cell phone accounts with Sprint (whose customer service reps are about as enjoyable to deal with as a proctologist) Like I needed anything else, on top of everything, my father died of a coronary.

So July sucked. Big. Time.

But we're in August. And I have something very special to announce. In spite of hell month, Squizz, Inc. has a new round of financing. With some credible investors, who I'll reveal as soon as all of the paperwork is completely squared away. I'm back in business. Don't turn your back on the black squirrel.

One of These Men Is a Total Fucking Ass.

Take a look at these men. They are both incredibly wealthy. They are both members of the corporate elite. Are they both arrogant? Probably. Are they both silly little pee-bags who are in love with themselves and their hopelessly outdated frostylocks haircut? No, only one of them is. The other is actually doing something with his life. He has single handedly brought New York City back into the black after the hardest decade of its existence. He charges the city a dollar a year as a salary, and has declared war on the cigarette industry. He is the most exciting political force around today. He is Michael Bloomberg, a billionaire who actually contributes to the world, not just his glamrock hairstylist.

While Sir Dicky Bunbun awards the X-Prize to the person who can create the most innovative blond highlights, Bloomberg is fixing the school system. He is ramping up city-wide recycling, and launching work on the 2nd Avenue subway. He is waiting, silently, patiently, to sweep America off of its feet as the most terrifyingly competent and powerful independent candidate in modern American history. Look at this man, Sir Dick (bag), and take notes. This is what people with enormous potential look like. They have regular hair, you know, like the little people. They wear understated blue suits. And they actually do something to make this world a better place.

If you haven't realized it, I am wholeheartedly endorsing Bloomberg as our next president. If anyone from his office reads this blog, I am at your service, anytime, free of charge. BLOOMBERG '08, Y'ALL!

Honesty. The Best (And Most Painful) Policy.

Okay guys. Many of you may have noticed that I've been absent for a while. The last few weeks have been a cluster-f*** of enormous proportions. My "investment team" (lol) has decided to throw in the towel on yours truly, and meaning that the future of Squizz looks very much in doubt. This means there is a factory in South Korea that has an order for quite a large number of Squizz containers, but no product. This means that my credit cards, along with my patience, are stretched to the breaking point.

This means the end.

Except it doesn't. See, because I'm pissed. And I'm focused. And I have a GREAT PRODUCT. Squirrels become more dangerous when wounded, and this squirrel's not taking anymore BS. Squizz isn't going anywhere, not until we've traveled down the throats of America. So, Lincolnshire Investments, you're out? So be it, your loss. I am a man not to be counted out, I've survived alcoholism, two divorces, corporate intruigue, innumerable personal setbacks, and I'm still standing. That's right, I'm still here.

So with a renewed vigor, I declare that Squizz will launch late '07, early '08. Because I will it to. Thanks for your continued support Squizzies!

Any Good Web Designers Out There?

I've been a bad blogger recently. I've been travelling so much and trying to pull this business together that it's been hard to muster up the energy to get on here and share things with you guys. It might help if you'd comment a little more! Ah, just kidding around with you. (Sort of... I would love to see some comments!)

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on the "real" Squizz Web site, until those jerkoff Web developers over at... ah well, I shouldn't even name them... screwed a lot of stuff up. Why give them any exposure after such a shoddy job.

But that's why I'm writing. I need a real Web team to help put together Squizz's online home. Why not use the Internet itself to find that person? Look, it'll be a paying job, you'll get to work on what'll be one of the most unique web destinations in the beverage industry (trust me, I have some far out ideas) and you might even get shares in the ownership of our fine beverage.

At the very least, you'll get a few free samples! So what do you say? Respond to this post or e-mail me at the link on the right and let's talk!

Any Good Web

This Is What My Week Felt Like.

The Squirrel Catapult III - Watch more free videos

What this video doesn't show is the squirrel running back up on the deck and clamping down on his captors' balls. Just remember which squirrel you're playing with, MG.

Smart. If by smart you mean stupid.

Cocaine the beverage is an energy drink that recently had its ass handed to it by big daddy FDA. I'm mixed on this. Obviously, Redux Beverages, the makers of the energy drink, were trying hard to push the envelope and differentiate themselves from their competitors. The drink also claimed to reduce cholesterol because it contained an agent called Inositol. (This agent is also used to cut cocaine the drug. But so is jell-o, baking soda, and cement). Other than that, it's just your garden variety energy drink with a sexy, dangerous name. Is it tastless? Probably, yes. Is that a reason for the FDA to stick its yap in? No, no, no. The market would have regulated this particular offense. 7-11 refused to sell the beverage, as did several other national chains. These guys would have been forced to pack it in pretty damn quickly even without the government interference. Maybe the FDA should spend more time making sure our perscription drugs aren't giving us heart attacks, and less time eradicating upstart punks who would have bit the dust anyway. Btw, if you still want to score some cocaine, these guys might be able to hook you up ;-).

Say It Ain't So...

Just when I try to hold up the squirrel as an admirable creature, some lone agitator has to go screw it up for the rest of 'em.

Squirrel Goes on Rampage, Injures Three (Reuters via Drudge Report)

Oh well. At least there are still some squirrels worth admiring.

Orbitz Formula?

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a link to an ambitious young Purdue chemisty student's breakdown of the Orbitz formula. What do I think of the blueprint? Pretty close. Eerily close. Not exactly on the nose, but bravo! The thing that really suprised and impressed me though, was that this person understood the importance of "gellan gum". Per the student: "This polysaccharide forms a fragile, net-like matrix that lightly holds the bits of xantham gum in place, aiding in the gravity defiance witnessed". Precisely. Initially, I was able to suspend the xantham gum bits for days, even weeks on end, but I had a devil of a time preventing the eventual settling that would take place. Gellan gum was indeed the solution to this problem, so much so that if you were to find a bottle of the drink today (Ebay anyone? ;-)), everything would still be in place. That may not sound like much of an achievement to you, but it is something that gives me chills, and inspires me to keep moving forward. Thanks anonymous Purdue student, you made my day.

Soda Police

Hands up motha-f-ers, you busted. This is beyond disgusting, it's supernastylicious. When was the last time you were parched, and hankering for some ice cold liquid bubble-yum to slake your thirst? Never? Huh. Well, that makes millions of us. This is the kind of gimmicky nonsense that gives this soda cop an itchy trigger finger. The thing about gum, especially bubble-gum, is that it is an inferior taste experience. A huge blast of flavor, then less flavor, then nothing, like you're chewing on an old rubber. There's nothing here to suprise us, no interesting subtle notes to keep us coming back for more, just plain old taste-noise, like a monkey banging on a piano. Well taste metal, monkey, this cop is filling you full of lead. It won't suprise those in the know to hear that this monstrosity is being foisted upon us by the Elizabeth Beverage Co., the bastards who also perpetrated Jolly Rancher Soda. What you may not know, however, is that dear old Elizabeth Beverage Co. is owned in part by the Gambino family. Mobsters and shitty soda, a match made in Greeze-Ball heaven.

Soda Police: Knock, Knock.

Gambino Family: Whose'a there'a?

Soda Police: Soda police, Greeze-Balls.

Gambino Family: What'a seems to'a be the problem'a officers?

Soda Police: This candy flavored vomit in my mouth, for beginners. Take the pasta off simmer, and shave that moustache off of your mom. We're taking you downtown, Giuseppe.

Gambino Family: You can't talk'a to me like'a that!

Soda Police: I just did, Giapetto. Once upon a time in America, soda didn't taste like the candy fairy peed in your mouth! ;-)

Wha...?

Huh... um. Yes. Yes, I think so, yes. This is hard for me to say, but... (oh god)... good job Pepsi Japan. You've got something new to say, instead of just being the WalMart of soft-drinks. Pepsi and Coke. Coke and Pepsi. Vanilla Coke and Pepsi. Oooh. Coke and Pepsi with lime. Ohhh. Lame. Safe. But here is something truly complicated and aggressive. Crystal Cucumber Pepsi. I assume that the crystal means some sort of a mint effect (no doubt produced artificially. You don't get a total pass, bastards! ;-))

I have yet to taste it, I have a post on Craig's List trying to get my hands on it. Any of you reading in Japan? I'll make it worth your while. The average consumer is going to say "Ewww, gross!", just like they did with the last scene of the Sopranos (Awsome, Mr. Chase. I think Tony just woke up from a dream. The whole thing was a dream. That's what I got from that. Anyway, well done!), but the rest of us are going to welcome the challange to our pallates. Okay, so...Good Job PepsiCo (Japan). I have to go wash my mouth out with soap, now.

Fighting for the Small Guy

Being in the beverage industry is a lot like getting involved in American politics -- corporate products tend to outspend and ultimately crush the little guys. Look at this announcement, in which PepsiCo has announced it's buying an 80% stake in a Ukraine-based juice company along with the stake it already owns in Glaceau, thtat Vitamin Water company.

It's enough to make a guy like me want to pack it in. Look, I don't belong to pretty much the only other group that offer an alternative to this sad state of affairs (i.e. independently wealthy people, some of whom are well intentioned but most of whom are total assholes), but I've got to believe I can make a difference. And I really do.

That's why I'm going to stand beside others who are fighting for the real guy. Today I'd like to announce that we're submitting Squizz for consideration as the official drink of the "Barack in '08" campaign. We should hear back in a few days, but in the meantime, you can help us out by showing your support for Squizz and writing to Mr. Obama's campaign here.

And don't forget to register to vote!

Blogging is Tough!

Hello Squizzies. I just wanted to drop in to apologize for my absence from the blog these last few days. I feel like I've been in a 72-hour meeting this last week, running from meetings with distributors to sit-downs with bottlers to god knows what else.

I promise I'll try to be more diligent in my blogging, but I'm probably not going to be able to come up for air for a little while longer. Aw, who am I kidding? Let me see what I can do. Okay?

Some Squizz History

Notice anything missing from this picture? If you said "testicles" you'd be correct, but only half-correct, because I'm talking about yours truly. That's right, me--Ronald Turlington. I'm not in this photo because I got squeezed (or, rather, squizzed) out.

Allow me to introduce the yagbos who basically ruined my life: moving clockwise, that's Gary Pensmith, flanked by his spineless underling/ turdherder Len Karolis. These are the guys who got famous for "inventing" Orbitz soda in 1996.

Oh wait, though, correction, these are TWO of the guys who invented Orbitz soda. I say that because I was the third. Actually, Len and Gary, Orbitz was completely my idea. Here's what happened:

I discovered the drink that would ultimately become Orbitz as part of my senior chemistry thesis project as an undergrad in 1985 at Kent State. But when I brought the idea to these schmucks to help me market the drink in 1994 they stole my formula and sold it to Clearly Canadian. I went after them in court, but they claimed they had bought the recipe from a noodle shop owner in southeast asia in the 80's and even dressed up a chinaman to testify in their favor. In the one photo I have from that project you can't really see the characteristic Orbitz support matrix, Len pretended to cry during the trial and the case was presided over by a Canadian magistrate, so I'll let you do the math. They claimed they had spent their whole fortunes developing the perfect formula but uh, nope, sorry Len and Gary, it was actually me who did that. My advice is don't trust anyone. I would have been a millionaire by now, like Len or Gary.

See, my original concept was to call it Snowballz--it would have had little tapioca snowflakes floating in blue liquid, and a cute penguin or something on the bottle. I love Squizz and everything this company stands for, but to be honest I've never been able to replicate an idea that original or that innovative. I'd like to think that had I been in charge, Snowballz would already be a classic favorite, even more so than Orbitz.

Anyway don't get your hopes up--you won't be seeing a similar product from Squizz anytime soon. Part of the settlement against me was that I can't pursue developing a tapioca-based gellan gum drink for the next 50 years. So Len or Gary, if you're reading this....Squizz off!

Soda Commendation

Yes. Okay? Just, yes. Materva Yerba Mate Soda, this is a Cuban favorite. Delicious! It tastes like a sparkling tea soda with a cream finish. This is the whole package. Complex, unique, full, I even love the packaging. Personally, I have some problems doing business with Cuba (*cough*brinkofnuclearannihilation*cough*) ;-), but this is a soda worth breaking the embargo for. Nice job, comrades. Maybe some day we'll have one on your native turf, but until Castro bites it, I guess I'll just order mine online.

Soda-ikus

While there's not a lot of free time in my line of work, occasionally I get a chance to pursue my other love, which is writing poetry. Here are a few of my latest gems. Let me know what you think in the comments section!

On a clearest day
My taste buds drip dark disgust
Crystal Pepsi blows!

Oh say I can see
Through amber waves of Filberts,
Cane-sugared Moxie.

A boy of fourteen
Knows nothing of the future
So says his teacher

New Idea! A good one? Hmmm...

Here's an idea that's kind of cute, but I have some reservations about it. How many times have you asked someone what they want to drink and the response comes back "Anything" or "Whatever"? Well, "Out of the Box", a very literal-minded Singapore beverage company, has decided to take these non-committal consumers at their word. The thing is, Anything and Whatever comes in many different flavors, but you never know which one you're going to get because the can doesn't say.

This is a very clever, catchy idea, but I have to say it makes me nervous. I'm calling B.S. on this one guys. Do we really need to contribute to the dumbing down of consumer culture, especially in an industry that is just starting to find some new vigor? We should be educating the public, not catering to their stupidity. If I went to the movies and just said, "Gimme a ticket to anything", I'd probably find myself sitting in some Reese Witherspoon comedy and pissed. Let's think before we put something out there guys, we've all got to work in this industry, and its an uphill battle. It took years to convince consumers to consider a non-corn syrup beverage, like the wonderful Boylan's brand. Do we really want to lower the discourse? What do you guys think?

In Defense of Ms. Lohan

It's a slow day here, so I thought I'd chime in one more time. Just wanted to send my heartfelt concern and support to Lindsay Lohan. She's obviously having a hard time, but for god's sake how old is she, 20? I couldn't get my lips off of my bong when I was 20, and here she is, an international movie star. And she's a pretty good actor, too. I'm not going to link this to beverages by saying that it's a shame kids can get beer, and all of that. Oops, just said it ;-). I was a kid once, and I was certainly no angel (ask my ex-wife), and I know that she'll grow out of this. I did. And by the way Lindsay, if you every see this, I'm 190 days without a drink, and it can work. You're going to be alright, just pull it together before it's too late. I'm rooting for you. And to everyone wanting to see this girl destroy herself, take a good long look in the mirror and tell me what you see. I'm talking to you, Defamer.

Soda Police

I know this is old news, but I've wanted to vent my spleen about it publicly for a while. In 1999, "Sir" Richard Branson unleashed "Virgin Cola", his answer to Pepsi and Coke, in the US. Riding into Times Square in a tank (I'm serious), Branson declared war on the two beverage giants. This was tantamount to bringing a knife to a gun-fight, as Virgin Cola tasted marginally better than goat urine. Beaten back across the pond, Sir Limey Entreprenuer tried to stage a comeback in 2004. If you go to your local store, and ask for a Virgin Cola, you'll know how well that went. People like Branson have about as much business in the soda world as a monkey does making omlettes. Bill Gates didn't release Microsoft Cola (Microla?) and I have yet to see a can of Warren Buffett Ginger Ale, because these billionaires are not MORONS. Soda production is an art, not a hobby for the wealthy and bored. Not only was Branson's Cola a lightweight in taste and effervesence, it allegedly gave several people intense headaches and diaharrea. Awesome, jerk-off.

Soda Police: Knock, Knock.

Sir Dicky: Who's there?

Soda Police: Soda Police, Dicky. You're busted.

Sir Dicky: I say! Isn't there some kind of fine I can pay?

Soda Police: 'Fraid not, Boyo. Punishment for a soda this crappy is death. By hanging.

Sir Dicky: Peoples don't likes me soda?

Soda Police: Nope. You just won the X-Prize for unparalleled idiocy, creep. ;-)

Why the Black Squirrel?

It's a question I'm often asked: "What's the deal with that black squirrel that's all over your Squizz cans and marketing materials?"

It's a very good question, and one that I wish had an equally good answer for.

I've kicked the question over in my head for some time now and, as much as I hate to demystify things, the truth is there really isn't any one real reason. Maybe it has something to do with my book-learning years spent out at Kent State (Go Flashes!), where I'd spend afternoons lounging on the Esplanade, watching those magnificent creatures (not to mention the occasional co-ed) bound around beneath the trees.

Maybe it's because no one really knows where the black squirrel came from, at least not for sure. I like the mystery of it.

Or maybe it's just because the black squirrel is a rare specimen, an energetic, spriteful little fella that never seems to lose his mojo. Kind of like what happens when you drink Squizz, come to think of it. (Shameless, I know!)

Whatever the case, it's definitely not because of this! Yuck. Oh well. Even when they're bad, black squirrels always seem to leave an impression.

And that's why we're proud to have the black squirrel adorn our brand!

My nephew and I threw this together on photoshop as a mock advertisment. It's amazing what you can do with in a couple of hours. I don't think we'll be using this ;), but Max (my nephew) wanted me to put it on the blog, so here it is. I hadn't thought about it until he asked, but as we're in the pre-launch stage here, and haven't settled on a design, feel free to send in your thoughts. If I like what I see, I'll post it. Can't be much worse than this. Just keep 'em clean, and remember to incorporate the black squirrel!

Squizz Lives!

Hi there! I'm Ron Turlington, CEO and president of what we humbly think is the greatest soft drink around: Squizz. If this is the first time you've heard of Squizz, don't worry, you're not alone. But we're glad you're here!

You see, we're on the verge of unveiling a new beverage that will, without a doubt, revolutionize the way Americans think about soft drinks, and this blog is our first step into a much larger world. We're excited to begin the conversation with you!

But let me tell you a little bit about myself and my company. I'm what most people might call a soft drink obsessive. (Talk about an understatement!)

Years ago, when I was just a kid growing up in Southern Indiana (more years than I care to admit ;-)), my parents exposed me to more sodas, root beers, egg creams, seltzers and other tasty beverages than perhaps any kid legally should. And it was great. From the Moxies to the Faygos to even the Shastas, I collected every can and bottle I could get my hands on. Still do.

Times have changed and so did I, at least a little. while I still love and appreciate the history of soda, the metabolism isn't what it used to be so I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle, which has curbed my drinking habit a bit. (Basically just means I don't drink the crap stuff anymore!) I got more into all-natural drinks, the lower the sugar and purer the ingredients the better. Ah, who am I kidding, I'll still have my fair share.

As an onta-pa-noor, I've been fortunate enough to travel around the world, meeting lots of interesting people and, more importantly, tasting thousands of interesting beverages.

I found one that absolutely blew my mind just a few months ago. I was somewhere in Southeast Asia (I'd tell you but i'd have to kill you... ha ha) when I had my first taste of what I now call Squizz. I couldn't believe the taste.

A balance of lemon and ginger, with earthy undertones. It wasn't sticky sweet like Coca-Cola or 7UP, but softer and much more refreshing. Texturally a lot like a smoothie but but flavorful in a whole different way. Incredible. It was such an amazing find that I tracked down the makers of this unique drink. It took quite some time, the details of which I'll save for a later post. In the meantime, my Southeast Asian friends and I are about to blow the doors off of the beverage industry:

SQUIZZ LIVES!

Our official launch is later this summer, but I'll be updating this blog (I feel so hi-tech!) many times a week detailing our return to your local supermarkets and vending machines.

Until then, look to the Black Squirrel!