Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Soda Police

I know this is old news, but I've wanted to vent my spleen about it publicly for a while. In 1999, "Sir" Richard Branson unleashed "Virgin Cola", his answer to Pepsi and Coke, in the US. Riding into Times Square in a tank (I'm serious), Branson declared war on the two beverage giants. This was tantamount to bringing a knife to a gun-fight, as Virgin Cola tasted marginally better than goat urine. Beaten back across the pond, Sir Limey Entreprenuer tried to stage a comeback in 2004. If you go to your local store, and ask for a Virgin Cola, you'll know how well that went. People like Branson have about as much business in the soda world as a monkey does making omlettes. Bill Gates didn't release Microsoft Cola (Microla?) and I have yet to see a can of Warren Buffett Ginger Ale, because these billionaires are not MORONS. Soda production is an art, not a hobby for the wealthy and bored. Not only was Branson's Cola a lightweight in taste and effervesence, it allegedly gave several people intense headaches and diaharrea. Awesome, jerk-off.

Soda Police: Knock, Knock.

Sir Dicky: Who's there?

Soda Police: Soda Police, Dicky. You're busted.

Sir Dicky: I say! Isn't there some kind of fine I can pay?

Soda Police: 'Fraid not, Boyo. Punishment for a soda this crappy is death. By hanging.

Sir Dicky: Peoples don't likes me soda?

Soda Police: Nope. You just won the X-Prize for unparalleled idiocy, creep. ;-)

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