Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Soda Police

Hands up motha-f-ers, you busted. This is beyond disgusting, it's supernastylicious. When was the last time you were parched, and hankering for some ice cold liquid bubble-yum to slake your thirst? Never? Huh. Well, that makes millions of us. This is the kind of gimmicky nonsense that gives this soda cop an itchy trigger finger. The thing about gum, especially bubble-gum, is that it is an inferior taste experience. A huge blast of flavor, then less flavor, then nothing, like you're chewing on an old rubber. There's nothing here to suprise us, no interesting subtle notes to keep us coming back for more, just plain old taste-noise, like a monkey banging on a piano. Well taste metal, monkey, this cop is filling you full of lead. It won't suprise those in the know to hear that this monstrosity is being foisted upon us by the Elizabeth Beverage Co., the bastards who also perpetrated Jolly Rancher Soda. What you may not know, however, is that dear old Elizabeth Beverage Co. is owned in part by the Gambino family. Mobsters and shitty soda, a match made in Greeze-Ball heaven.

Soda Police: Knock, Knock.

Gambino Family: Whose'a there'a?

Soda Police: Soda police, Greeze-Balls.

Gambino Family: What'a seems to'a be the problem'a officers?

Soda Police: This candy flavored vomit in my mouth, for beginners. Take the pasta off simmer, and shave that moustache off of your mom. We're taking you downtown, Giuseppe.

Gambino Family: You can't talk'a to me like'a that!

Soda Police: I just did, Giapetto. Once upon a time in America, soda didn't taste like the candy fairy peed in your mouth! ;-)


Sherry said...

U might not like it but my kids will. Plus it summer get a grip. My niece watched her son chew gum and he knew hot to blow a bubble, he'll know what to do with this

Ronald Turlington said...

Nice spelling Sherry. I don't know what "hot to blow a bubble" means, but kids also eat paste and boogers. Maybe not the best judges of taste and quality. ;-)

Ronald Turlington said...

Hi Sherry. I had a day to think about things, and the way I responded yesterday was no way to treat a customer. I sincerely apologize for lashing out at you in that way. It's been a crazy couple of weeks for me and I sometimes take it out in the wrong way.

Anyway, if you'll forgive me I'd be happy to send you a pre-release sample of Squizz. Just send an e-mail with your contact info to ronaldturlington@gmail.com. Take care!