Monday, June 4, 2007

Some Squizz History

Notice anything missing from this picture? If you said "testicles" you'd be correct, but only half-correct, because I'm talking about yours truly. That's right, me--Ronald Turlington. I'm not in this photo because I got squeezed (or, rather, squizzed) out.

Allow me to introduce the yagbos who basically ruined my life: moving clockwise, that's Gary Pensmith, flanked by his spineless underling/ turdherder Len Karolis. These are the guys who got famous for "inventing" Orbitz soda in 1996.

Oh wait, though, correction, these are TWO of the guys who invented Orbitz soda. I say that because I was the third. Actually, Len and Gary, Orbitz was completely my idea. Here's what happened:

I discovered the drink that would ultimately become Orbitz as part of my senior chemistry thesis project as an undergrad in 1985 at Kent State. But when I brought the idea to these schmucks to help me market the drink in 1994 they stole my formula and sold it to Clearly Canadian. I went after them in court, but they claimed they had bought the recipe from a noodle shop owner in southeast asia in the 80's and even dressed up a chinaman to testify in their favor. In the one photo I have from that project you can't really see the characteristic Orbitz support matrix, Len pretended to cry during the trial and the case was presided over by a Canadian magistrate, so I'll let you do the math. They claimed they had spent their whole fortunes developing the perfect formula but uh, nope, sorry Len and Gary, it was actually me who did that. My advice is don't trust anyone. I would have been a millionaire by now, like Len or Gary.

See, my original concept was to call it Snowballz--it would have had little tapioca snowflakes floating in blue liquid, and a cute penguin or something on the bottle. I love Squizz and everything this company stands for, but to be honest I've never been able to replicate an idea that original or that innovative. I'd like to think that had I been in charge, Snowballz would already be a classic favorite, even more so than Orbitz.

Anyway don't get your hopes up--you won't be seeing a similar product from Squizz anytime soon. Part of the settlement against me was that I can't pursue developing a tapioca-based gellan gum drink for the next 50 years. So Len or Gary, if you're reading this....Squizz off!

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